Harry Potter and Curse of the Cliches
by MissCHSparkles
Summary: Voldmort has cursed the Golden Trio and now they must face the stuff of nightmares, cliches. Can they survive the bashings, the MarySue Ocs, horrible pairings like Dramione and maybe worst of all, slutty Luna? Read on to find out.
1. Chapter 1

_Author's note. So basically, there are so many clichés that now exist in Harry Potter fandom but what can you do but mock them a little. Some aren't that bad, some are good and some are just plain awful. See if you can guess which ones I actually like, lol._

_If you know any good clichés, please tell me and I'll try and use it._

_Suggestions are welcome._

_Enjoy and please review._

Harry ran through the old house, mentally cursing every step of the way. He and his friends were still on the run from the Death Eaters but had managed to get trapped in this building, one they couldn't apperate out of. To try and lose their pursuers, they'd split up but had no idea how they were going to meet up again.

Basically, they were relying on lady luck to somehow help them out, hoping she didn't decide to give her luck to the Death Eaters. This place truly was a maze, there were twists and turns everywhere, as well as random staircases and doors. Hermione had told them this was a ghost house, something that crazy Muggles built to house the ghosts haunting.

Ron had thought that extremely weird, as had Harry but Hermione explained that the Muggles felt they could appease the ghosts by doing so. Apparently, there was one ghost house in America where the widow of a man who'd invented the rifle had built a house for the victims of her husband's invention. She had been made wealthy by that rifle and her wealth had increased all the time but so had the death toll.

So she ordered a massive complex built for them but with so many ghosts arriving each day, more and more had to be built. This meant the sound of hammers and saws had gone on continually for years, until her eventual death at a grand old age. The complex still existed and was now used as a tourist attraction where many people tried to spot the ghosts that supposedly lived there.

"Nice of her to build them a place, I suppose," Ron had said with a frown to which Hermione replied.

"Not entirely, a lot of the house was made up of false doors or stairs that led nowhere, it was meant to confuse the ghosts so that they didn't haunt her. Although it does beg the question why she lived there at all, I suppose she believed they'd follow her if she lived anywhere else."

"Muggles are weird," Ron declared, although not in a bad way as Harry knew plenty of Muggles would think some of the thing Wizards did was odd. And after growing up in the Muggle world, he still felt that way sometimes.

However, they were not in the States, they were in a rumbling old house built onto the side of a hill and seemed to be made up of nothing but secret passageways. The only good thing about this was, it made it hard for the Death Eaters to actually find and capture them, this place was an indoor maze. Harry hadn't seen any ghosts yet but once or twice, he'd passed through a particularly cold piece of air, making him think they were here but invisible for whatever reason.

Quite frankly, he didn't care, all he wanted to do was get out of here.

"Must be some damn way out of here," he said through gritted teeth, still running although he could only hear a distant thud of pursuit. He'd never lost the ability to run fast and long, not after growing up in close proximity to Dudley. Plus, it helped he wasn't wearing extremely voluminous robes that tended to trip one up when running.

Suddenly, as he skidded around a corner, he beheld a glowing light coming from a room a few feet away. Curiosity aroused, he headed for that door and cautiously pushed it open, keeping his wand at the ready. But nothing happened, so he pushed it further and half entered the room.

In the centre of the room, there was a pillar stand on which rested a glowing orb on a plush red pillow. The rest of the room was in shadows cast the orb's light which continuously glowed brilliantly, died a little and then glowed again. Harry could not help but be a little entranced by it, after all, the rest of this house was dusty and old and here was a beautiful treasure in the centre of it all.

He came a little closer, still on high alert but a little more relaxed now. He was being drawn even closer now, it was as though he couldn't tear his eyes away from the orb's light. While a part of him was thinking this wasn't a good thing, the rest of him wanted to touch the orb, find out what it was supposed to do.

He was now level with it and as though it has sensed his presence, suddenly glowed even brighter. So bright in fact, that Harry had to shield his eyes, only lowering his hand when the light disappeared. In place of the orb was a round, shiny medallion which was a simple gold coloured on a silver chain.

Now very much intrigued, Harry reached forward and gently touched it. Nothing happened, so he picked it up and brought it closer for inspection. It had what looked like runes on the otherwise smooth surface but Harry had no idea what they meant. He ruefully mused he should have taken Ancient Runes instead of Divination, it would have taught him a lot more.

But just as he was debating what to do next, the medallion suddenly glowed once more and disappeared from his hands, only to appear a moment later, hanging from his neck. As he started from this, it glowed again but the glow spread throughout his whole body, a painless but now the less a rather alarming process.

But just as he opened his mouth to scream, yell or just gasp, there was a flash right in front of his eyes and he was suddenly gone from that room.

"_Where am I?"_

"_Harry? Harry is that you?"_

"_Hermione?"_

"_Yes, it's me, what happened to you, did you find a strange medallion?"_

"_Yeah I did but..."_

"_Bloody hell!"_

"_Ron!"_

"_Ron!"_

"_Harry? Hermione? What the hell is going on, I can't see a thing."_

"_Neither can I, can't move either."_

""_We need to think of a way out of this."_

"_...So, any ideas Hermione?"_

"_I'm...I'm not sure, I've never heard or read anything about this."_

"_We're screwed."_

"_We're not screwed Ronald, we will get out of this, there must be a way."_

"_But how, we're just voices, I can't even feel anything."_

"_But you can still speak and hear, so we must still retain something. This is probably some sort of state of the mind."_

"_Some state of mind, I can normally see something."_

"_Really Ronald?"_

"_Oi, of course I can."_

"_I'm just saying..."_

"_Guys, can we focus here."_

"_Oh, sorry Harry, I forgot you were here."_

"_I could tell."_

"_I didn't mean...I can't see you."_

"_It's okay, this is pretty weird."_

"_Stupid glowing light..."_

But as Ron said these words, the light suddenly flashed again and they found themselves suspended in animation. They could now see each other and move although not very far as they were being levitated in some sort of empty plain. For a moment, they simply stared at each other before Ron spoke again.

"Okay, this is a slight improvement."

This made his friends grin but before they could speak, a cold high voice suddenly spoke, echoing all around them.

"Poor fools, you have no idea just what you've stumbled across."

"Voldemort," Harry spat as Ron winced but only slightly. Hermione looked frightened but was gripping her wand tightly, ready for action.

The three of them were in a facing each other in a wide triangle shape but quickly glanced around in case Voldemort was about to pounce on them. But they couldn't see anything, just endless whiteness, reminding Harry of cartoon heaven. But then Voldemort spoke again, his voice high and gloating.

"When you touched those Medallions, you activated a curse, a very little known curse that I have found and will use to destroy the three of you once and for all."

"What, by blinding us?" Ron couldn't help but say out loud, his eyes popping even as he realised he'd spoken out loud.

"Oh no, that would be too easy, too quick. I have a far more fitting end planned for you all."

"Here we go," Harry thought, rolling his eyes. What was with Dark wizards and the need to gloat? They always had to stand there and tell you just how clever they've been, as well as say just how they're going to kill you. Harry had seen this ridiculous amount of times, it had saved him of course but it was really annoying at the same time.

"You see, you three will be forced to experience what could have been, if fate had chosen differently for you," Voldemort's voice carried on. "You will witness them and despair because they will be so horrible, you'll try to tear out your own eyes in horror."

"Really?" Harry said sarcastically. "That's it?"

"Yes Harry Potter, that's it. You'll be thrown from one dimension to another until your spirit breaks from the torture of it all."

"Okay," Harry said before he could continue. "Why are you speaking like that? It's weird, even for you."

There was a pause and then a half amused, half sighing voice said.

"Because this is how the curse is activated, I'm supposed to talk like a...what was the expression again...ah yes, like a James Bond villain."

"...Because?" Harry said, struggling to understand this.

"It's a cliché," Voldemort said simply. "And that's what this curse is Harry Potter, the curse of the clichés. I hope you enjoy it."

"What in Meriln's saggy left..." Ron started to say but there was once again...you guessed it...a blinding flash of light and the trio disappeared with Voldemort's mocking laughter in their ears.

_Author's note. How many clichés did you spot in this chapter alone? Next time, find out what the first, horrible cliché is, can they survive it and the others? Read on to find out._


	2. Chapter 2

_Author's note. Some of these clichés will be quite short as there's only so much you can say about them, hope you all enjoy none the less._

_Suggestions are welcome._

_Enjoy and please review._

When the trio reappeared, they were shocked to find themselves in what looked like Grimmauld place. For a moment, Harry was elated, he'd actually missed this place during the time they'd been on the run but then realised it wasn't the same. It wasn't so much that it looked different as felt different.

When he'd left his Godfather's former home, it had had a sense of belonging to it, one of family, a place you could honestly call home. But now it felt like it had when Sirius was still alive, a place of decay and darkness. This caused Harry to swallow, he hated being reminded of this time, when Sirius had been alive but completely and utterly depressed.

He saw Hermione shoot him a worried look but Ron was just standing there with a frown. He slowly turned to them and asked.

"So...did you understand anything You-Know-Who said?"

Ron might not be so bad with hearing the name but he hadn't quite got to the stage of saying it, something Harry was determined to chance one way or another.

"We're going to have to live out clichés," Hermione said slowly before asking.

"You know what a clichés is, don't you?"

"Yeah," Ron said with a snort. "It's like...those daft books mum loves reading, where this really rich guy always falls in love with this really poor but pretty girl and no matter what the plot, they get together. I can't stand hearing about those books."

He shuddered, the twins had once enchanted one to follow him around, reading its self out to him. Unfortunately, his mum had actually enjoyed it and had been reluctant to take the spell off. He'd been forced to listen to the whole book, only the twins pudding had taken the edge of his anger.

Hermione nodded, pleased he understood what it was.

"Well, I guess we're going to have to go through things like that...although I've no idea what form they'll take."

"Only one way to find out," Harry said grimly, wanting this over with quickly, he wasn't hanging around this depressing place any longer than he had to.

They started along the empty corridor, nerves frazzled with the unknown and wondering what on earth was going to happen. What terrifying cliché would be sprung upon them first, would it be worse than all the challenges they'd faced in the past? Worse than Fluffy, Riddle's diary, Snape, mean Slytherins, the list went on and on.

"Hey, do you hear...growling?" Ron said with a frown as they approached a corner.

"Yeah," Harry said confused, it didn't sound like an animal, it sounded like someone doing a very good impression of one.

They rounded the corner and stopped in complete shock, there was Sirius Black, large as life standing in front of a mirror growling. For a moment, Harry just stood there and then he stepped forward and gasped out.

"Sirius?"

"Grrr...hmm...oh hey Harry," Sirius greeted, turning and beaming at him. "How ya doing?"

"O...okay," Harry croaked, his beloved Godfather was alive again.

He took another step, wishing this was real, hoping it somehow was. Sirius smiled and opened up his arms and Harry rushed into them, feeling his eyes sting although no tears really formed. His friends hung back, giving him space but they were no less stupefied at the situation.

"Whoa, you really missed me," Sirius said with a laugh, releasing Harry from the bone crushing hug.

"Yeah," Harry said, trying to stop his throat breaking, starting to get an idea why this would be a torture to go through. Even though he was so happy to see Sirius again, he somehow knew that this was only an illusion, once they got back to the real world, Sirius would still be dead.

But before he could sink into any kind of depression, Sirius's eyes slid towards the window and he started growling.

"What is it?" Harry instantly asked, thinking there might be Death Eaters or Snape out there.

"Little devils," Sirius growled, his eyes fixed on something but Harry couldn't make out what was wrong.

Sirius suddenly moved, scuttling sideways to another window, his growl rumbling deep within his chest. Nonplussed, Harry looked to his friends, hoping they had an idea as to what was going on. But they shook their heads, they couldn't see anything out of the norm outside.

"Uh, Sirius?" Harry said hesitantly but Sirius suddenly started making barking noises, jumping up and down.

"What...?" Harry started to say but then Ron said in disbelief.

"Are you barking at that cat?"

As Harry and Hermione looked outside where a black and white cat was leisurely strutting about in the bright sun, Sirius barked louder and yelled.

"Look at it, look at it...ooooh, it's up to something."

"The cat?" Harry said, face screwed up in disbelief.

"Yes!" Sirius practically howled, suddenly rushing to another window so he could stare at the cat that was resolutely ignoring him.

"Little monsters...I hate them all," Sirius declared, trying to bare his teeth and speak at the same time.

"Horrible things, they scratch, they claw...how can anyone like them?"

Hermione was looking very annoyed, she happened to like cats a lot. Harry liked them as well, but was very confused by Sirus's words and actions. He'd never seen him act like and he'd never expressed a deep hatred for cats, _ever._

"Why won't Mooney let me out, I want to chase that damn cat, it's mocking me," Sirius now complained as the cat paused to give it's leg a quick wash before carrying on.

"Ohh, it's going round the corner...well it won't get away from me."

Still barking and growling, Sirius bounded away from the corridor, still staring madly out the windows. He left behind a shocked trio who could only stand there, trying to figure out what had just happened.

""He...really seems to hate cats," Ron said after a while, seeing as his friends weren't saying anything. "I didn't know that."

"But he doesn't," Hermione burst out angrily. "He got on great with Crookshanks, you've seen him and he never...ever gave indication that he didn't like cats in general. Did he Harry?"

"Not that I ever noticed," Harry said, he'd only seen Sirius with the orange cat but the two, as Hermione had just stated, had gotten on fine.

"Maybe it's because he's a dog?" Ron suggested. "He was acting like one."

"Not all dogs hate cats," Hermione said quickly "One of my aunts has this huge Alsatian but he gets on fine with all her cats, he even plays with them. This doesn't make any sense."

"That must be the point," Harry said softly with a hint of sadness as his Godfather's barks died down. "Dogs are thought of as hating cats, so if Sirius takes the form of a dog, he's supposed to hate them."

"You're probably right," Hermione said with a heavy sigh. "But it defies logic so much."

This made Ron grin.

"Now we know how this is going to drive you mad, because it's so illogical."

She glared at him but they all knew he was right. It was why she had trouble getting on with Luna, the blond girl believed just about everything that Hermione didn't.

"Well," Harry now said with a sigh, trying to remember his Godfather's smell, wanting little details to take back with him. "That was beyond random but not too bad."

"Yeah, Ron said uneasily before saying. "I'm worried."

"Same here," Hermione and Harry both said as the bright flash took them away.

_Author's note. Yeah, so what's up with all the Sirius hates cats stories? It's rare where you see one with him actually liking them. Until next time, remember, I love suggestions._


	3. Chapter 3

_Author's note. Heh, yeah, the Sirius cat thing was a bit weird but some of these clichés are. There's a warning for this chapter, it contains scenes of a sexual and probably disturbing nature._

_Suggestions are welcome._

_Enjoy and please review._

When the trio blinked, they found themselves in a bustling corridor, filled with chattering students. They gasped, eyes wide open, thinking this must be some sort of dream but it wasn't. They were back at their beloved old school of Hogwarts and it was like they'd never left.

"We're at Hogwarts," Hermione breathed in delight as the two boys nodded.

What was even better was that no one was really paying them any attention, whatever reality they were in, they weren't wanted fugitives. As this fact hit them, they suddenly grew a bit more wary, what was different about this place?

"Let's check the Hall," Ron suggested, it would be the best place to assess the situation.

The other two nodded, before they all headed off in the direction of the Great Hall, they were only a floor above it. As they walked, they strained to hear anything that could give them a clue to what kind of reality this was but nothing they heard suggested anything out of the ordinary. Students were just chatting about their classes, what their friends were saying, what was going on in their favourite magazine.

Instead of relaxing Harry, it just made him more nervous, he was sure they were going to encounter something horrible. Maybe Umbridge or Lockhart were back teaching, now that would be bad. Although he wasn't sure how that would be a cliché, unless the cliché was they normally got terrible DADA teachers.

"Any idea which year this is?" Ron suddenly asked, glancing curiously at the students, they still appeared to be in their seventeen year old bodies.

"I think it's actually our Seventh year," Hermione said slowly in amazement. "I recognise some of the students, maybe this is what it would have been like if..."

Her voice dropped to a whisper so that none of the chattering students would hear.

"...Voldemort hadn't taken over the Ministry."

"Maybe," Harry said quietly, trying to imagine what Hogwarts would have been like for his Seventh year if so many things hadn't gone wrong.

They eventually arrived at the Great Hall and entered but again, everything appeared to be normal. In fact, more than normal, Dumbledore was alive and well at the head table, nearly stopping them in their tracks. But since there were so many other students behind them, they quickly hurried to the Gryffindor table.

"I can't believe it," Hermione said in disbelief. "There he is, right there."

"I know," muttered Harry, his eyes narrowed as they focused on Snape, who was currently talking to Professor McGonagall.

Hermione glanced back at him and quickly hissed.

"Harry...you know this is a different reality, we can't rush up and curse Snape, they'd probably call us mad."

"We could always curse him and run for it?" suggested Ron, eagerly helping himself to some food.

Harry smiled wryly, as tempting as that was, he didn't fancy going through a detention with Snape. With nothing happening, they relaxed again and just started eating, enjoying the best meal they'd had in a long time. It was as though they'd gone back in time, when the only thing they had to worry about was exams or an upcoming Quidditch match.

But as Harry was about to take a bite of some roasted pork, he suddenly spotted something at the Slytherin table. Draco Malfoy was sitting there, eating some sort of stew but his eyes were darting about rather a lot. As though he thought he was about to be attacked or maybe he was simply making sure no one's attention was on him.

Harry nudged Ron who was stuffing his face with roasted potatoes, causing the red head to look over at Malfoy. His eyes narrowed in extreme dislike as he nudged Hermione who looked at him and then at the Slytherin table. Unlike the boys, she sighed.

"Harry..."

"Come on, what bigger cliché than Malfoy being up to something?" Harry defended. "Besides, look at him, no one acts that way unless they've got something to hide."

She frowned but glanced back at the slivery blond Slytherin, he really did look like he had something to hide. She sighed and then said.

"Okay, we'll see where he goes."

"We'll leave before he does," Harry said softly as Malfoy continued eating and glancing all about the Hall.

"We'll get under the cloak and follow him."

"What about your feet?" Ron asked and Hermione replied. "I can cast a disillusion-meant charm on our feet. No one ever looks at the floor when their sneaking along."

Harry smiled at this, going back to his plate of food while still keeping one eye on Malfoy. They carried on eating as though nothing was wrong, except they ate a little quicker than usual so that they'd finish before Malfoy did. Not that he was going fast, staring around the large room meant he wasn't fully concentrating on his bowl of meaty stew.

"Come one," Harry eventually said softly and they all got up and headed out. It was lunchtime at Hogwarts, it appeared to be the weekend.

They quickly headed into a little alcove which gave him a view of the entrance hall while hiding them from sight. Hermione set to work with the charm, making it feel like someone had just dunked their feet in gunk but this feeling soon passed. As it was a bit disconcerting seeing their feet blend into the background, they focused on watching for Malfoy.

As soon as he appeared, they donned the cloak and set off after him, he was heading upstairs. He was heading for the East wing, where the Ravenclaw tower was located among other things. There were several empty classrooms this way, the main classrooms were located closer to the West wing.

Harry wondered, was Malfoy hiding something again. Or was he perhaps meeting somebody, maybe future Death Eaters. Or actual Death Eaters, the possibility were endless and Harry had to stop thinking about it too much, it really was impossible to know.

"Where's he headed?" Ron hissed and Hermione answered.

"The only thing this corridor is really used for now is for couples meeting."

"What?" Ron started to say but Hermione quickly carried on.

"I heard Lavender and Parvati talking about it, they like to take their boyfriends here for a bit of privacy."

"Uh..." Ron started to say but with a sigh, Hermione said.

"No Ronald, not for that kind of thing, it's just peaceful place to kiss. And no, I've never been here with anyone."

That instantly stopped Ron from saying anything, to Harry's amusement. But now he was wondering, was Malfoy just meeting a girl? But if so, why all the drama, it was hardly a new thing for a boy to meet a girl in private. But what if it was a girl his parents wouldn't approve of? Like a Half Blood or someone who wasn't in Slytherin, something stupid like that.

Harry was starting to feel this might be a wild goose chase but they honestly didn't have anything better to do while they were trapped within this curse. Besides, at least this kept them away from Snape, he'd no idea what he'd do if he was confronted by the man.

"There he goes," Ron muttered darkly as Malfoy disappeared into an old classroom.

"There's an adjoining room just there," Hermione whispered. "Let's go into that one, less chance of getting caught."

They crept past the room Malfoy and entered and hurried to the next one which was a dusty storage room. Harry whipped off the cloak, deciding them would be safe enough this room. They hurried over to the connecting door which oddly enough had a tiny corridor joining it to the other room's door.

It was a bit of a tight squeeze getting in there but none of them wanted to be left out in seeing what Malfoy was doing. Poor Hermione was pressed up against the door while Harry was sandwiched between his two friends. But none of them were focused on this, they were focused on opening the door enough so that they could peer into the room.

Malfoy was there, near a desk with the air of someone waiting for something...or someone. What was odd was that he'd removed his out robes and was now only dressed in the inner tunic they all had to wear. Harry still had found this incredibly strange when he'd first entered the wizarding world and was sure Hermione had as well.

"He's meeting a girl," Ron said dead pan with a hint of disappointment. "Do we have to watch him snog Parkinson?"

"We don't t know that's who he's meeting," Hermione said reasonably, although she didn't sound thrilled at the idea of the blond Slytherin snogging anyone.

"I hear someone coming," Harry hissed, which stopped any argument developing between his friends.

Sure enough, Malfoy looked up a couple of moments later, clearly hearing the same thing Harry had, approaching footsteps. The trio each had their own thoughts on who might be approaching, mostly Slytherin girls they knew. But none of them were prepared for the one who finally entered.

"What took you so long?" Malfoy asked irritably of the pale girl with waist length dirty blond hair who entered, wearing the blue lined robes of Ravenclaw.

"I had to sort out a nargal infestation," she replied dreamily, her wide eyes as usual slightly unfocused. "They're getting to be a real problem here at Hogwarts."

Malfoy grimaced but didn't comment, which surprised all of them. Instead, he slid off the desk and came closer to her. He took hold of her arms and leant down to kiss her briefly before saying.

"I never would have thought you'd do this with someone like me."

She nodded thoughtfully, saying.

"Yes, I never went with anyone outside my House before Fourth year but after joining the D.A I was able to interact with new people. It made things more interesting during Fifth year."

As the trio struggled to comprehend what was going on, Malfoy grimaced again and said.

"Typical Saint Potter..."

"No Draco," Luna abolished gently. "You know Harry's a friend, I won't talk about him here but I don't want you saying mean things about him. I haven't gone out with him after all."

This seemed to cheer up Malfoy immensely who grinned and said.

"Well, want to get started?"

"Yes, I suppose we should," Luna said with a small shrug, stepping away from him and taking out her wand.

"What the f...," Ron started to say but just couldn't finish, his voice died in his throat as Luna waved her wand and...banished all her clothes.

She stood here, completely nude and yet managed to look like this wasn't out of the ordinary. And if it had been normal for people to walk around with nothing on, you can bet she'd be wearing the exact same, calm expression. The trio were so...taken aback by this turn of events that they just couldn't help themselves, they stared at her bare body.

Her body seemed even paler than her face and she had rather small but perk breasts with surprisingly dark nipples. She seemed almost too slim, as though she were approaching anorexia but somehow didn't look unhealthy. Harry desperately tried not to stare at the only dark bit on her, the fluff nestled neatly between her legs as she stayed where she was for Malfoy's inspection.

He smirked but didn't reach for her, instead he started to strip off what he was wearing. Harry heard Ron swallow convulsively and knew the red head's face was likely green. He himself was suddenly regretting eating that roast dinner for lunch.

"Can we go?" Ron squeaked in a surprisingly quiet voice that neither Ravenclaw nor Slytherin heard.

Harry nodded but to his dismay, heard a slight rattling of a doorknob and a moment later.

"The door's stuck," Ron said in a horrified whisper and they knew they weren't going to get out of here. They could have blasted their way out but for whatever reason, none of them wanting to reveal themselves, not like this.

"Can...can you try it again?" Hermione said in a rather high pitched tone as Malfoy finished pulling off his tunic and started on his black coloured silk underwear.

Harry heard another rattle and felt Ron shake his head.

"No good, it won't budge."

"Why can't we go back to barking Sirius?" Harry muttered with a small groan, that was weird but compared to this, he'd take it.

"Okay, I'm really going to be sick," Ron said as they were treated to a view of Malfoy's stark white arse as he finally finished undressing himself.

"Me too," Hermione said, her voice muffled and Harry knew she was covering her mouth with one hand.

Malfoy now casually leaned back on the desk, thankfully facing away, they didn't think they could hold their lunch in if he turned around. Luna came towards Malfoy and they started making out, their bodies grinding against each other, causing Ron to start making retching noises.

But things only got worse as Luna slowly slid to her knees, Malfoy's hands resting on her head as he tipped his own back. Harry tried closing his eyes but the resulting moans and grunts were very hard to ignore, he could feel Hermione trembling in front of them. Harry tried valiantly to cover his ears but this didn't do anything either, in fact, it felt like the sound was magnified for some strange reason.

But as he opened his eyes again, hoping that was it. He found it was. Malfoy had now hopped up onto the desk and was lying across it with Luna on top of him. The only good thing about this was, their bodies were a bit more shielded as the two continued locking tongues together.

He heard more rattling and knew Ron was having a go at the door again. Sadly, it was loud enough to be irritating but just quiet enough so that only the trio heard. Although at this point, he didn't think those two were likely to notice anyway. He wasn't sure why they were still watching, except he'd never seen anything like it and a part of him was morbidly curious.

The wizarding world was to a certain extent rather puritan, they seemed to expect students parents to tell them all the facts of life. People had girlfriends and boyfriends, you'd see people walking hand in hand, maybe kissing but it never seemed to go further than that. He'd honestly never seen or heard of it going further than that, it just appeared it wasn't done at Hogwarts.

Well, until they landed in the middle of this curse that it.

"Ahh..," Hermione started to gasp out as Luna suddenly reared up on top of Malfoy but Harry quietly silenced with his hand.

The Ravenclaw student wiggled on the spot before lowering her hips down on Malfoy again who groaned loudly. Luna started to grind against his body causing the Malfoy heir to gasp out in ecstasy. They both started to move faster, their cries becoming louder and louder until the trio were practically clutching at each other.

Harry fought to keep his lunch down as bile rose up in his throat from seeing Luna with her head tossed back, shrieking to high heavens. Her small breasts were actually bouncing up and down as she moved, they were going that fast.

Her face was bright red with exertion, her mouth wide open and her eyes screwed shut, it didn't look pretty at all. Harry was trying not to focus too hard on Malfoy but he didn't look any better either, this was honestly what sex looked like?

Well, those two were obviously enjoying it but he didn't think he could understand people who got enjoyment from_ watching_ it. He wished he could just cover his ears but that somehow felt like a childish thing to do and his masculine pride wouldn't hear of it. Although frankly, it was at times like this he wished he could give his masculine pride a boot up the arse, sadly, said pride wouldn't allow it.

But then with a final shriek, Luna slumped back down on Malfoy who was gasping for breath, a languid smile on his lips.

"Ack...," Ron managed to choke out, he sounded like he was putting all his energy into keeping his food down. After being on the run for so long with minimal rations, Ron was determined that once food when in his mouth, it was not leaving by that route.

"Did you enjoy that?" Luna asked dreamily, after she'd collected herself a bit.

"Hmm, yeah," he said lazily, sounding a bit disorientated.

She rolled off him, allowing him to stand up and start putting his clothes back on. As he turned back to her, eyes were quickly averted, she said softly.

"You know, if the weather gets better, we could always go outside. There's a nice oak tree that Jiggles hide in, there's a lovely grassy spot under it."

It appeared Malfoy had learned not to say anything about the creatures Luna talked about as he just ignored it and said.

"Sounds good but only if it's a clear day, I don't fancy getting caught starkers in the rain."

"I'll make sure," she said easily and he nodded, satisfied.

Once he had enough clothes out to journey through the corridors, he came closer and kissed her lips. Harry swallowed as he saw her tongue dance across Malfoy's lip, he didn't want to think about where it had been.

"I did enjoy myself," he said softly, outer robe flung over one arm. "I'll see you next week, alright?"

"Yes, that sounds fun," she said, in a rather breezy voice as though they were talking about the weather.

He nodded before exiting without another word. Luna just lay on her back on the desk, apparently content not to do anything else. But it didn't matter anyway as Ron shifted and managed to over balance and fall forward. This caused Harry to try to jump forward but he just collided with Hermione and the three of them ended up in a heap inside the room.

Luna glanced over at them, blinking slowly.

"Oh, hello," she said as though this was to be expected.

The trio glanced at each other, still on the floor before looking back at Luna.

"Er...hello Luna," Hermione greeted in a falsely cheery voice, trying to cover the awkwardness of the situation. "Um..."

"You need to be careful of Gorbals in old closets," Luna told them seriously. "They like locking people up in them and the subjecting them to singing."

"We'll...er...we'll keep an eye out for them," Harry said lamely as they started picking themselves off the floor.

"Um...see you?" Ron tried to say as Luna looked at him.

"You're rather handsome, you know."

"Uh...," was all Ron could say.

"I wouldn't mind spending an afternoon with you," she continued conversationally. "You look strong, and you Harry, I think you'd have good stamina from fighting You-know-Who and all that."

"Thanks," Harry managed to croak out, he had no idea what else to say.

Just as they started to inch in the direction of the door, Luna now said.

"I've always thought you pretty Hermione, I think we should get together sometime, it's not as easy as with boys but it's still pretty fun."

"I...I'll keep that in mind, Luna," Hermione said, she didn't seem to be able to come up with anything better.

Just as they were almost at the door, Luna had once last thing to say.

"You know, I've never done it with three people but you three are so close...maybe we should try a foursome sometime."

It was at this point they run from the room, practically screaming, In fact, Ron did bellow out.

"Flashing light, take me now."

And to their mild surprise, this is just what happened.

_Author's note. So, at least two clichés in this chapter, can you spot them? There are a ridiculous amount of stories that involve Luna wanting to sleep with anything that moves so it had to go in this story. Remember, suggestions are welcome._


End file.
